


Fade Far Away, Dissolve, and Quite Forget

by JEAikman



Category: Rivers of London - Ben Aaronovitch
Genre: Angst, Ettersberg, Gen, Inspired by Poetry, Introspection, spoilers for later books
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-10
Updated: 2015-02-10
Packaged: 2018-03-11 12:52:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3327557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JEAikman/pseuds/JEAikman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>He is weighed down by a century and more of memory, and he is tethered to his post by a past that he will never escape. For better or worse, this is where he belongs, where he is stationed, and it is where he will remain until the course of his long life is finished – it is his home, and he has a duty to protect it and all that it stands for.</i>
</p>
<p>Oh look another one. Not a missing scene this time, just trying to get inside Nightingale's head.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fade Far Away, Dissolve, and Quite Forget

> _Fade far away, dissolve, and quite forget..._
> 
>  

 

He is weighed down by a century and more of memory, and he is tethered to his post by a past that he will never escape. For better or worse, this is where he belongs, where he is stationed, and it is where he will remain until the course of his long life is finished – it is his home, and he has a duty to protect it and all that it stands for.

 

The memories that keep him here are at once far away and near – half dissolved in the sunlight, and solidifying like bloodied ice around his heart in the darkness of the night. They are ugly memories, filled with the horrors of war and the deaths of his friends, men and boys alike, and they hurt like razor-wire when they rise up from the depths of his mind to drown him.

 

The memories fade, as all things must, with time, and sink below the surface of his thoughts – yet always they lurk, circling in search of prey.

 

 

> _What thou among the leaves hast never known_

 

 

He does not mean to envy Peter's youth, but in the end, he cannot help it. Underneath the new veneer, he is an old man trying very hard not to be bitter about a lot of things. He envies the enthusiasm and vibrancy of Peter's true youth, though Lord knows the boy's added some sorely needed life to the place. Being able to watch the rugby whenever it's on without the effort of going to a pub is an added benefit.

 

He tries not to be bitter, but sometimes he is just so tired of life, of all the horrors he has seen, that he cannot quite help himself – he keeps these moments to himself though, because taking it out on Peter would be grossly unfair. Nightingale prays that Peter never has to live with such things as he has seen – but his old heart tells him that there might not be a choice.

 

 

> _The weariness, the fever and the fret_

 

 

Preparing for war is never an easy task for a young man – but Nightingale was not young when he went to war. His older brother had been – no more than twenty years before he was shot down in 1915. Because that was what happened in wars – young men died for no good reason, because they had been told the old lie, and believed in with all their hearts, and fought for their country.

 

Thomas was not so young as his brother, a good two decades older, in fact, when he joined the war effort for the second of the world wars. He did not die, but he left the person he used to be behind with the dead in Ettersberg. The war exhausted him body and soul, but to others it did far, far worse.

 

 

> _Here, where men sit and hear each other groan;_
> 
> _Where palsy shakes a few, sad, last gray hairs_
> 
> _Where youth grows pale, and spectre-thin, and dies_
> 
>  

 

Ettersberg had been a disastrous final stand, and the worst thing, in his view, is that it could have been avoided. How many times has he wondered 'what if?'. How many times has he punished himself for not being quicker, for not saving more men, for not pushing his original idea of destroying it from the air just that bit harder. _Maybe then... maybe then..._

 

But what use are his regrets now? The dead are as dead as they ever were, and though it is painful to think of them, he cannot allow himself to forget. The honoured dead must be remembered, and because he cannot carve their names into his soul he makes do with carving into wood instead.

 

He is the last of them, one of the few who remembers, and it is his duty to uphold the memory of lives lost, of the names he once knew as people, that had once been as dear to him as family. And when the others who remember are gone, he will remember them as well, because the fact that they survived that place for so long deserves commemoration.

 

He will remember their faces, their names, their ranks, their smiles, their flaws and the belongings that are still somewhere in storage. Old and young, it does not matter, for the memories are his burden and he will carry them with pride and an aching heart.

 

 

> _Where but to think is to be full of sorrow_
> 
> _And leaden-eyed despairs_

 

 

And when he turns to thoughts of what the future may bring, instead of respite from his memories, it brings him fear. He thinks of Peter, so bright and full of life and a passion and dedication to learning – he sees a young man full of hope for a changing world, and full of ideas for a better future.

 

And more than anything, he fears that hope being snuffed out before its time. He fears that if they ever encounter the Faceless Man, one or both of them might fall – and who then shall take up their mantle?

 

He fears that he might die before he has taught Peter all that he needs to learn, and that Peter will be left alone in a world that he does not yet know how to fight.

 

He fears losing Peter more though – what if the boy gets too confident and attempts to take on their opponent without him? _What if what if what if?_ He cannot stop his fearful and despairing thoughts from catching in his mind and expanding to more distant fears.

 

What if he is stuck like this forever? Never aging, and forced to watch the decades pass and then the centuries? What if he has to watch Peter die of old age whilst time leaves no further mark on him?

 

What if?

 

 

> _Where Beauty cannot keep her lustrous eyes,_
> 
> _Or new Love pine at them beyond tomorrow._
> 
>  

 

His thoughts turn now to his former second apprentice. He turns the problem of Lesley May around in her mind, and once again wonders 'what if?'. What if they'd talked through how she felt, what she wanted – what if he had explained the limitations of magic better? What if Lesley hadn't really betrayed them, what if she was really undercover?

 

He thinks of how isolated she must have felt, not to be able to talk about it – likely the internalised misogynistic ideals that society has ingrained into women told her that she could only regain her sense of self if she regained her face.

 

He does grieve for that loss, truly he does, but the fact remains that Lesley May had made her decisions, and when it came to her allegiance with their enemy, he could not afford these thoughts of 'what if'. Any consideration they give her could be used against them.

 

Whatever fondness he had for her, and whatever love Peter might bear her –

None of that matters. They cannot afford to pine for happier times. They must look forward, and they must not let down their guard.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Stanza 3 of _Ode to a Nightingale_
> 
> Fade far away, dissolve, and quite forget   
>  What thou among the leaves hast never known,   
> The weariness, the fever, and the fret   
>  Here, where men sit and hear each other groan;   
> Where palsy shakes a few, sad, last grey hairs, 25  
>  Where youth grows pale, and spectre-thin, and dies;   
>  Where but to think is to be full of sorrow   
>  And leaden-eyed despairs;   
>  Where beauty cannot keep her lustrous eyes,   
>  Or new Love pine at them beyond to-morrow.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed! Thanks for all the kudos on my fics so far, please feel free to comment as well, I don't bite!


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